It's starting to sink in that I'm really going through with this. A whole year of no one else intimately in my life except for Jesus Christ. While I am totally committed to this, I'm worried that I'll struggle with the negative, lonely feelings and the stigma that comes from being a single 23 year old in this world. By the time I'm through, I'll be halfway through 24!
When I was younger I always thought I'd be engaged by this time. I wanted to be married for as long as possible, to wear an engagement or wedding ring for all my college mates to see. "Lookie, lookie! I found love!" My still unwrinkled face would be forever immortalized in photos, wearing my beautiful wedding dress, with my handsome groom at my side. I had it all figured out. Colors of the wedding, how many and whom in my party, what songs to play, where I would honeymoon, the whole shebang. I figured by 26, kids. The time I hit 30 (EEP!), three kids, steady income, steady life. Steady steady steady had I placed marriage on a pedestal, making it an idol in my life without meaning or seeming to!!! Yet these are the desires of my heart. This is what I truly want- a love without end, unfailing, fathful, all consuming, jealous love. And as I describe it, it sounds like Agape!! God love, not human frail-as-sand love....how silly am I to think that a man can satisfy the deepest longings of my soul. And yet...HE placed the desires there in the first place. Christ has a husband for me, I know.
So you see how MY plans are for naught. Because they weren't His plans for me. Jeremiah 29:11 has been a comfort in the last few weeks for me. His plans are truly the best for me, and they will only be revealed in His perfect time and way. Wouldn't it be nice, though, to at least have a taste of what it wil be like? To just have some sort of direction to go in? I pray for guidance, and direction, wisdom and discretion.
I think that the purpose of this blog is tri-fold. First, to chronicle the next year of my life as a Christian seeking her Lord fully, vibrantly, and with a sincere heart. Secondly, or at least in part, for my friends or whomever wants to read this to keep up on how I'm doing, offer advice, tell me that I'm on crack, etc. Third, to intimately re-hash (for the final time) my previous relationships and why they didn't work. This isn't about seeing where I've gone wrong in order to jump in at the end of this Vow. Rather it will be a way to see exactly how to become a Godly woman, and prepare my heart for whatever Christ has in store for me, if He wants me to be a wife. But I digress. You'll find I get ahead of myself rather quickly. I have the gift of being extremely self-aware. I see where I am, where I need to go or be and automatically want to rush or skip ahead of all the in-between healing/growing/seaching steps that are crucial to what I'm about.
I'm about walking through the fire and the test that God has placed in my heart and seeking Him fully, without the distraction of a man.
I'm about healing my damages and clearing out the unholy parts of my soul that are ridden with sin.
I'm about devoting my time to the Word, and living like my Lord says I should.
I'm about worship.
I'm about being a Sister in Christ, and volunteering at my church.
I'm about being selfish for a time to do what's best for me and to take care of myself.
Day 1 and 2 are forthcoming.
1 comment:
I think it's wonderful to look for God's plan instead of your own. Not easy, but good. Things so often end up not at all like we think, until we see God's hand in it. I hope this year is everything you think and need. :)
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