Day 7

I'm realizing more and more that the Enemy wants to use this time to plant all sorts of doubt, fear and feelings of loneliness inside my brain. He wants to use the current situation I'm in to tell me "You'll never have a relationship again, you're not enough to merit that right now" and I keep thinking "But this isn't about a relationship with a man, its about a relationship with God". And yet those tests and doubts persist. Watching your recent ex completely blissed out with another woman isn't the nicest thing day in and out. Especially on weekends when its my so-called "relaxation time".
This morning in church was a great example...I arrive early so I can be there first. I have to be there first- it affords me some measure of control over a situation that really, I have no control over. I find encouraging words from two ladies in the church and am able to sit beside one. "They" walk in, sit down, and immediately begin holding hands. A few weeks ago the mere sight of "Ex" was enough to bring me to tears. Then I had to deal with the two of them together, in church. Ok, alright, God got me through that. Then the have to add the holding hands in church. Really? REALLY?
Deep breath, I say. This isn't what my year is supposed to be about, I think....but it is. This year is about healing my heart and becoming closer to Jesus. Worship at church today affirmed that. I was able to let go of my perception of proximity between "Them" and me, and focus totally on God for about two songs....I'll take two songs right now. I'll take anything that gets me fully on God and not on my reactions to "Them".
I feel like failure for letting my thoughts dwell on "Them" and not on Him.
Can't I be rid of this yet? Can't I be done? I'm so there, so ready for it to all end, but there will be constant reminders of it for the next two weeks at the show, and now it seems at church.
People are affirming my character in how I'm handling this, how mature I am and how they see me rising above the situation. How I would LOVE to not even have to deal with this!!! But I'm reading/listening to Francis Chen's "Crazy Love" in which he gives powerful examples from Scripture that suffering and humbling myself before my enemies is a definition of the love Jesus wants us to show. Now, they aren't trying to kill me, and they are not enemies, but they certainly are not behaving how Christians should behave....and so, causes me hurt.
I keep recalling a song entitled "The Heart of Worship"- I'm coming back to the heart of worship, where its all about You, its all about You Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it....
I am sorry. I feel awful...but this is all part of my test. To make sure that He is the center and focus of my life, No Matter What or Who is Anywhere. Even at church.