When did my body decide to hate me? When did I run myself down so much? Oh yeah, I know. Between working a 40 hour week at work, teaching three days a week then doing weekends at the show has really taken a toll on me. I guess I've been trying to escape the breakup, making myself so busy so I can't/won't think about it. But now I have a temp of 102/103 and I feel awful....I'm not doing the show tonight, so that helps for rest, but that also means no church tomorrow. We shall see.
I had my friend Stephanie pray with me on the phone last night and she said, in her prayers, that I had my focus on other places than Jesus....how is it that people can read me so transparently? I feel like my prayers are hitting the ceiling, or are not being heard, unless others are praying with me? Like I need a conduit to my Savior. Silly, I know. But I'm trying to use faith to get through this and I feel like I'm struggling more than I need to be. I should be over it, or better at it, or something.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Day 9
So far, today has been great....except for the moments in between being busy when I think about Ex, his new girlfriend, and indulging in feelings of loneliness. I have a feeling this is going to be the greatest struggle- learning how to cope with these feelings, learning to be okay single. I continue to pray that Jesus protects my heart right now because its still very weak and vulnerable. I wish I were over Ex. I want to move on...to bigger and better things. What's better than my Creator-Redeemer? Really, nothing, and its silly for me to have these feelings. But, in human weakness, I do, and I'll have to pray for strength. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm keeping busy, making new friends, hanging out at night....I really do have full days and so I'm not wallowing or anything....
Monday, February 22, 2010
Day 8
8! My lucky number! My favorite number!
Today was devoted to finishing the audio CD I'm currently listening to, "Crazy/Love" by Francis Chen. Such a radical perspective that every Christian should hear!!!!! We need to live our lives, fully believing that Christ could come back at ANY moment....and how do we want our last moments spent? Such a thought-provoking, convicting book. I hope that I have the guts to actually do what the Lord tells me when He tells me what I need to do.
I was also able to minister to my little sister, "Dayle". She's going through PSR for her church right now, and I truly think that Catholicism is not the right move for her- she's just honoring what her father wants for her....I was able to talk to her a little bit today about her beliefs, and I realized that she really, really wants answers. PSR classes aren't bringing her closer with the Lord...they are just teaching her doctrine. I feel convicted to share with her some of the devotionals I am reading, and to buy her her own devotional from the bookstore...I don't want to interfere with her father's wishes, but I really feel compelled to get "Dayle" on the path to having conversations with God. Her mother agrees with me. I'm truly thankful that I can be open about my faith with my friends- and at work too. It's nice when I walk into my boss' office and hear Chris Tomlin playing. It's wonderful that I get to include my Savior in my everyday speech- it's how it should be!!!
Tomorrow is my long day. I really want to make it a point to start the day in prayer- I wanted to this morning and I failed because I didn't allow enough time. In addition to my nightly prayer and devotional I want to start making QT for God during the day. I make it a point to bring my Bible with me everyday to work but I never end up pulling it out. Its something to be prepared, and I understand I need to work. But sharing Christ is more important. It's vital.
Today was devoted to finishing the audio CD I'm currently listening to, "Crazy/Love" by Francis Chen. Such a radical perspective that every Christian should hear!!!!! We need to live our lives, fully believing that Christ could come back at ANY moment....and how do we want our last moments spent? Such a thought-provoking, convicting book. I hope that I have the guts to actually do what the Lord tells me when He tells me what I need to do.
I was also able to minister to my little sister, "Dayle". She's going through PSR for her church right now, and I truly think that Catholicism is not the right move for her- she's just honoring what her father wants for her....I was able to talk to her a little bit today about her beliefs, and I realized that she really, really wants answers. PSR classes aren't bringing her closer with the Lord...they are just teaching her doctrine. I feel convicted to share with her some of the devotionals I am reading, and to buy her her own devotional from the bookstore...I don't want to interfere with her father's wishes, but I really feel compelled to get "Dayle" on the path to having conversations with God. Her mother agrees with me. I'm truly thankful that I can be open about my faith with my friends- and at work too. It's nice when I walk into my boss' office and hear Chris Tomlin playing. It's wonderful that I get to include my Savior in my everyday speech- it's how it should be!!!
Tomorrow is my long day. I really want to make it a point to start the day in prayer- I wanted to this morning and I failed because I didn't allow enough time. In addition to my nightly prayer and devotional I want to start making QT for God during the day. I make it a point to bring my Bible with me everyday to work but I never end up pulling it out. Its something to be prepared, and I understand I need to work. But sharing Christ is more important. It's vital.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Day 7
I'm realizing more and more that the Enemy wants to use this time to plant all sorts of doubt, fear and feelings of loneliness inside my brain. He wants to use the current situation I'm in to tell me "You'll never have a relationship again, you're not enough to merit that right now" and I keep thinking "But this isn't about a relationship with a man, its about a relationship with God". And yet those tests and doubts persist. Watching your recent ex completely blissed out with another woman isn't the nicest thing day in and out. Especially on weekends when its my so-called "relaxation time".
This morning in church was a great example...I arrive early so I can be there first. I have to be there first- it affords me some measure of control over a situation that really, I have no control over. I find encouraging words from two ladies in the church and am able to sit beside one. "They" walk in, sit down, and immediately begin holding hands. A few weeks ago the mere sight of "Ex" was enough to bring me to tears. Then I had to deal with the two of them together, in church. Ok, alright, God got me through that. Then the have to add the holding hands in church. Really? REALLY?
Deep breath, I say. This isn't what my year is supposed to be about, I think....but it is. This year is about healing my heart and becoming closer to Jesus. Worship at church today affirmed that. I was able to let go of my perception of proximity between "Them" and me, and focus totally on God for about two songs....I'll take two songs right now. I'll take anything that gets me fully on God and not on my reactions to "Them".
I feel like failure for letting my thoughts dwell on "Them" and not on Him.
Can't I be rid of this yet? Can't I be done? I'm so there, so ready for it to all end, but there will be constant reminders of it for the next two weeks at the show, and now it seems at church.
People are affirming my character in how I'm handling this, how mature I am and how they see me rising above the situation. How I would LOVE to not even have to deal with this!!! But I'm reading/listening to Francis Chen's "Crazy Love" in which he gives powerful examples from Scripture that suffering and humbling myself before my enemies is a definition of the love Jesus wants us to show. Now, they aren't trying to kill me, and they are not enemies, but they certainly are not behaving how Christians should behave....and so, causes me hurt.
I keep recalling a song entitled "The Heart of Worship"- I'm coming back to the heart of worship, where its all about You, its all about You Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it....
I am sorry. I feel awful...but this is all part of my test. To make sure that He is the center and focus of my life, No Matter What or Who is Anywhere. Even at church.
This morning in church was a great example...I arrive early so I can be there first. I have to be there first- it affords me some measure of control over a situation that really, I have no control over. I find encouraging words from two ladies in the church and am able to sit beside one. "They" walk in, sit down, and immediately begin holding hands. A few weeks ago the mere sight of "Ex" was enough to bring me to tears. Then I had to deal with the two of them together, in church. Ok, alright, God got me through that. Then the have to add the holding hands in church. Really? REALLY?
Deep breath, I say. This isn't what my year is supposed to be about, I think....but it is. This year is about healing my heart and becoming closer to Jesus. Worship at church today affirmed that. I was able to let go of my perception of proximity between "Them" and me, and focus totally on God for about two songs....I'll take two songs right now. I'll take anything that gets me fully on God and not on my reactions to "Them".
I feel like failure for letting my thoughts dwell on "Them" and not on Him.
Can't I be rid of this yet? Can't I be done? I'm so there, so ready for it to all end, but there will be constant reminders of it for the next two weeks at the show, and now it seems at church.
People are affirming my character in how I'm handling this, how mature I am and how they see me rising above the situation. How I would LOVE to not even have to deal with this!!! But I'm reading/listening to Francis Chen's "Crazy Love" in which he gives powerful examples from Scripture that suffering and humbling myself before my enemies is a definition of the love Jesus wants us to show. Now, they aren't trying to kill me, and they are not enemies, but they certainly are not behaving how Christians should behave....and so, causes me hurt.
I keep recalling a song entitled "The Heart of Worship"- I'm coming back to the heart of worship, where its all about You, its all about You Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it....
I am sorry. I feel awful...but this is all part of my test. To make sure that He is the center and focus of my life, No Matter What or Who is Anywhere. Even at church.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Day 5
...consisted of working from 9-4:30, driving 1/2 hour, teaching 5-6:30, driving a half hour, and then performing a show and I just got home at.....11:34PM. Whew. I'm tired....but I definitely have moved on more than I thought from The Guy (names are changed to protect the guilty). I will, when I am not exhausted, start to get into the details of exactly WHY I've made this vow...another day. Tomorrow.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Day 4
...was exhausting. After a very long day at work I was able to attend my friend Amanda's Bible Study. It consists of about ten other people and I have a feeling I'm going to learn a whole lot.I continually have to be thankful that God is bringing new friends into my life, because I'm not gonna lie- it gets a little lonely! Its especially helpful that they are Believers.
Today I was able to minister to my boss' wife. It was heartening to know that I could help someone, and give them some of the advice given to me. Lisa Harper, who wrote "A Perfect Mess" Psalm devotional states that "God comforts us not so we can be comfortable but so that we can offer comfort". It was affirmed today because this woman kept saying I was meant to be at my workplace for a reason, for God's work. It seemed a little over the top, but as I thought about it, yeah, I am meant for God's work and that can be anywhere!!! I have been thinking more and more about what God has planned for me....its gotta be something wonderful, so much more than I can really hope for. Tomorrow is a show night, and I work a full day and teach so probably no updates....now, to sleep!
Today I was able to minister to my boss' wife. It was heartening to know that I could help someone, and give them some of the advice given to me. Lisa Harper, who wrote "A Perfect Mess" Psalm devotional states that "God comforts us not so we can be comfortable but so that we can offer comfort". It was affirmed today because this woman kept saying I was meant to be at my workplace for a reason, for God's work. It seemed a little over the top, but as I thought about it, yeah, I am meant for God's work and that can be anywhere!!! I have been thinking more and more about what God has planned for me....its gotta be something wonderful, so much more than I can really hope for. Tomorrow is a show night, and I work a full day and teach so probably no updates....now, to sleep!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Day 3
It's starting to sink in that I'm really going through with this. A whole year of no one else intimately in my life except for Jesus Christ. While I am totally committed to this, I'm worried that I'll struggle with the negative, lonely feelings and the stigma that comes from being a single 23 year old in this world. By the time I'm through, I'll be halfway through 24!
When I was younger I always thought I'd be engaged by this time. I wanted to be married for as long as possible, to wear an engagement or wedding ring for all my college mates to see. "Lookie, lookie! I found love!" My still unwrinkled face would be forever immortalized in photos, wearing my beautiful wedding dress, with my handsome groom at my side. I had it all figured out. Colors of the wedding, how many and whom in my party, what songs to play, where I would honeymoon, the whole shebang. I figured by 26, kids. The time I hit 30 (EEP!), three kids, steady income, steady life. Steady steady steady had I placed marriage on a pedestal, making it an idol in my life without meaning or seeming to!!! Yet these are the desires of my heart. This is what I truly want- a love without end, unfailing, fathful, all consuming, jealous love. And as I describe it, it sounds like Agape!! God love, not human frail-as-sand love....how silly am I to think that a man can satisfy the deepest longings of my soul. And yet...HE placed the desires there in the first place. Christ has a husband for me, I know.
So you see how MY plans are for naught. Because they weren't His plans for me. Jeremiah 29:11 has been a comfort in the last few weeks for me. His plans are truly the best for me, and they will only be revealed in His perfect time and way. Wouldn't it be nice, though, to at least have a taste of what it wil be like? To just have some sort of direction to go in? I pray for guidance, and direction, wisdom and discretion.
I think that the purpose of this blog is tri-fold. First, to chronicle the next year of my life as a Christian seeking her Lord fully, vibrantly, and with a sincere heart. Secondly, or at least in part, for my friends or whomever wants to read this to keep up on how I'm doing, offer advice, tell me that I'm on crack, etc. Third, to intimately re-hash (for the final time) my previous relationships and why they didn't work. This isn't about seeing where I've gone wrong in order to jump in at the end of this Vow. Rather it will be a way to see exactly how to become a Godly woman, and prepare my heart for whatever Christ has in store for me, if He wants me to be a wife. But I digress. You'll find I get ahead of myself rather quickly. I have the gift of being extremely self-aware. I see where I am, where I need to go or be and automatically want to rush or skip ahead of all the in-between healing/growing/seaching steps that are crucial to what I'm about.
I'm about walking through the fire and the test that God has placed in my heart and seeking Him fully, without the distraction of a man.
I'm about healing my damages and clearing out the unholy parts of my soul that are ridden with sin.
I'm about devoting my time to the Word, and living like my Lord says I should.
I'm about worship.
I'm about being a Sister in Christ, and volunteering at my church.
I'm about being selfish for a time to do what's best for me and to take care of myself.
Day 1 and 2 are forthcoming.
When I was younger I always thought I'd be engaged by this time. I wanted to be married for as long as possible, to wear an engagement or wedding ring for all my college mates to see. "Lookie, lookie! I found love!" My still unwrinkled face would be forever immortalized in photos, wearing my beautiful wedding dress, with my handsome groom at my side. I had it all figured out. Colors of the wedding, how many and whom in my party, what songs to play, where I would honeymoon, the whole shebang. I figured by 26, kids. The time I hit 30 (EEP!), three kids, steady income, steady life. Steady steady steady had I placed marriage on a pedestal, making it an idol in my life without meaning or seeming to!!! Yet these are the desires of my heart. This is what I truly want- a love without end, unfailing, fathful, all consuming, jealous love. And as I describe it, it sounds like Agape!! God love, not human frail-as-sand love....how silly am I to think that a man can satisfy the deepest longings of my soul. And yet...HE placed the desires there in the first place. Christ has a husband for me, I know.
So you see how MY plans are for naught. Because they weren't His plans for me. Jeremiah 29:11 has been a comfort in the last few weeks for me. His plans are truly the best for me, and they will only be revealed in His perfect time and way. Wouldn't it be nice, though, to at least have a taste of what it wil be like? To just have some sort of direction to go in? I pray for guidance, and direction, wisdom and discretion.
I think that the purpose of this blog is tri-fold. First, to chronicle the next year of my life as a Christian seeking her Lord fully, vibrantly, and with a sincere heart. Secondly, or at least in part, for my friends or whomever wants to read this to keep up on how I'm doing, offer advice, tell me that I'm on crack, etc. Third, to intimately re-hash (for the final time) my previous relationships and why they didn't work. This isn't about seeing where I've gone wrong in order to jump in at the end of this Vow. Rather it will be a way to see exactly how to become a Godly woman, and prepare my heart for whatever Christ has in store for me, if He wants me to be a wife. But I digress. You'll find I get ahead of myself rather quickly. I have the gift of being extremely self-aware. I see where I am, where I need to go or be and automatically want to rush or skip ahead of all the in-between healing/growing/seaching steps that are crucial to what I'm about.
I'm about walking through the fire and the test that God has placed in my heart and seeking Him fully, without the distraction of a man.
I'm about healing my damages and clearing out the unholy parts of my soul that are ridden with sin.
I'm about devoting my time to the Word, and living like my Lord says I should.
I'm about worship.
I'm about being a Sister in Christ, and volunteering at my church.
I'm about being selfish for a time to do what's best for me and to take care of myself.
Day 1 and 2 are forthcoming.
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